achtung baby
by Sith Droideka
Summary: Klavier gets a new phone, and takes the opportunity to start a pregnancy scare. Franziska/Klavier with Emapollo and Wrightworth on the side. Warning: very stupid.


**A/N: Hey, remember the last time I wrote a fic at three in the morning? Just kidding. This fic was written at three in the afternoon.**

**I just got the _idea_ at three in the morning.**

* * *

_January 3, 1:30 AM, Apollo Justice's Apartment_

The phone buzzed.

Apollo sat up groggily. Granted, his phone hadn't _really_ woken him up - he was having one of those nights when he couldn't manage more than a half-doze - and he would be getting up in an hour and a half anyway - but dang it, he was tired. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he checked his phone.

A text from an unknown number: "I'm pregnant. It's yours."

Apollo stared at the little screen for almost a full minute before registering what it said. _Pregnant? Mine?_ he thought, confused, _who's pregnant?_ He texted back: "I think you have the wrong number. Who is this?"

The reply was almost immediate - whoever it was, she was a fast typist. "I'm sure this is the right number, Apollo. It's the one you left me."

_When did I leave someone my number?_ Apollo thought, _much less get someone pregnant… then again, how many guys named "Apollo" are there in this city?_ He texted back again. "I'm sorry, but what? Are you sure you have the right Apollo?"

The swift message back: "Of course you don't remember… you were pretty drunk…"

"What," Apollo said, out loud this time. He wasn't exactly the drinking type, although admittedly he couldn't hold his grape juice. Who was the last woman he was drunk around… wait. "Are you who I think you are?" he typed.

"I just got a new phone."

Apollo stared at the little screen for another minute. _No way_. "Ema?" he sent.

"Yes."

Now Apollo was starting to wish he had deleted the text without reading it. "Are you sure?" he typed, "I do really, really like you, but I don't think either of us are ready to be parents. Especially since I don't remember," he paused, looking for the most delicate possible phrasing, "the conception. You should probably abort it." He paused again, deleted the last line and replaced it with, "What's your view on abortion?" then hit send.

There was a long pause before Ema texted back, except the reply wasn't anything like he expected.

"wow herr forehead youre surprisingly heartless"

Apollo threw his phone across the room. If word of this got to Ema somehow, he was going to make sure Klavier suffered the same fate...

* * *

_January 3, 1:45 AM, Ema Skye's Apartment_

"No, it's fine," Ema mumbled to the completely empty room as she picked up her phone, "it's not like I was _sleeping_ or anything. It's not like I have to go to _work_ in a few hours and I really need energy for it." She checked the new text message, still muttering to herself, "it's not like the human body needs at least six hours of sleep a night to function. It's not like you never recover lost sl…" she trailed off when she actually read the message.

"Hey, Ema?" it said, "it's Apollo. Remember that time we both got really drunk? Well, to make a long story short, you might want to get yourself checked."

_Huh?_ Ema thought. _What_ time she and Apollo both got really drunk? She could certainly remember a time _Apollo _got really drunk, but her? "Checked for what?" she texted back.

"I should have told you about this earlier," Apollo texted back, "but it might be wise if you went and got a pregnancy test. I'm sure it'll be fine, though."

Ema spent another minute staring blankly at her phone, unsure if she laugh or… what. How on earth did Apollo possibly come to that conclusion? "Apollo," she texted back, "you DO know where babies come from, right?"

"Do you not remember it?"

Ema sighed. Did Apollo somehow forget that Ema rarely drank after that one incident on New Year's a year ago?

"Apollo," she typed, "mammals internally fertilize through copulation. After a male ejaculates, many sperm move to the upper vagina (via contractions from the vagina) through the cervix and across the length of the uterus to meet the ovum. In cases where fertilization occurs, the female usually ovulates during a period that extends from hours before copulation to a few days after; therefore, in most mammals it is more common for ejaculation to precede ovulation than vice versa. The capacitated spermatozoon and the oocyte meet and interact in the ampulla of the fallopian tube. Thermotactic and chemotactic gradients are involved in guiding sperm towards the egg during the final stage of sperm migration. Spermatozoa respond to the temperature gradient of ~2°C between the oviduct and the ampulla, and chemotactic gradients of progesterone have been confirmed as the signal emanating from the cumulus oophorus cells surrounding human oocytes. Capacitated and hyperactivated sperm respond to these gradients by changing their behavior and moving towards the cumulus-oocyte complex. Other chemotactic signals such as formyl Met-Leu-Phe (fMLF) may also guide spermatozoa. The zona pellucida, a thick layer of extracellular matrix that surrounds the egg and is similar to the role of the vitelline membrane in sea urchins, binds with the sperm. Unlike sea urchins, the sperm binds to the egg before the acrosomal reaction. ZP3, a glycoprotein in the zona pellucida, is responsible for egg/sperm adhesion in mice. The receptor galactosyltransferase (GalT) binds to the N-acetylglucosamine residues on the ZP3 and is important for binding with the sperm and activating the acrosome reaction. ZP3 is sufficient though unnecessary for sperm/egg binding. Two additional sperm receptors exist: a 250kD protein that binds to an oviduct secreted protein, and SED1, which independently binds to the zona. After the acrosome reaction, the sperm is believed to remain bound to the zona pellucida through exposed ZP2 receptors. These receptors are unknown in mice but have been identified in guinea pigs. In mammals, the binding of the spermatozoon to the GalT initiates the acrosome reaction. This process releases the hyaluronidase that digests the matrix of hyaluronic acid in the vestments around the oocyte. Fusion between the oocyte plasma membranes and sperm follows and allows the sperm nucleus, centriole and flagellum, but not the mitochondria, to enter the oocyte. The protein CD9 likely mediates this fusion in mice (the binding homolog). The egg 'activates' itself upon fusing with a single sperm cell and thereby changes its cell membrane to prevent fusion with other sperm. This process ultimately leads to the formation of a diploid cell called a zygote. The zygote divides to form a blastocyst and, upon entering the uterus, implants in the endometrium, beginning pregnancy. Embryonic implantation not in the uterine wall results in an ectopic pregnancy that can kill the mother. In such animals as rabbits, coitus induces ovulation by stimulating the release of the pituitary hormone gonadotropin; this release greatly increases the likelihood of pregnancy. As for fertilization in humans, the sperm and ovum unite through fertilization, creating a zygote that (over the course of 8-9 days) will implant in the uterine wall, where it will reside over the course of 9 months. The term conception commonly refers to fertilization, which is the successful fusion of gametes to form a new organism. Its use 'conception' by some to refer to implantation makes it a subject of semantic arguments about the beginning of pregnancy, typically in the context of the abortion debate. Upon gastrulation, which occurs around 16 days after fertilization, the implanted blastocyst develops three germ layers, the endoderm, the ectoderm and the mesoderm, and the genetic code of the father becomes fully involved in the development of the embryo; later twinning is impossible. Additionally, interspecies hybrids survive only until gastrulation and cannot further develop. However, some human developmental biology literature refers to the conceptus and such medical literature refers to the 'products of conception' as the post-implantation embryo and its surrounding membranes. To get more technical and specific to humans, the sperm bind through the corona radiata, a layer of follicle cells on the outside of the secondary oocyte. Fertilization occurs when the nuclei of a sperm and an egg fuse to form a diploid cell, known as zygote. The successful fusion of gametes forms a new organism. Where the spermatozoon is about to pierce, the yolk (ooplasm) is drawn out into a conical elevation, termed the cone of attraction or reception cone. Once the spermatozoon has entered, the peripheral portion of the yolk changes into a membrane, the perivitelline membrane, which prevents the passage of additional spermatozoa. At the beginning of the acrosome reaction, the sperm undergoes a series of changes, as freshly ejaculated sperm is unable or poorly able to fertilize. The sperm must undergo capacitation in the female's reproductive tract over several hours, which increases its motility and destabilizes its membrane, preparing it for the acrosome reaction, the enzymatic penetration of the egg's tough membrane, the zona pellucida, which surrounds the oocyte. After binding to the corona radiata the sperm reaches the zona pellucida, which is an extra-cellular matrix of glycoproteins. A special complementary molecule on the surface of the sperm head binds to a ZP3 glycoprotein in the zona pellucida. This binding triggers the acrosome to burst, releasing enzymes that help the sperm get through the zona pellucida. Some sperm cells consume their acrosome prematurely on the surface of the egg cell, facilitating the penetration by other sperm cells. As a population, sperm cells have on average 50% genome similarity so the premature acrosomal reactions aid fertilization by a member of the same cohort. It may be regarded as a mechanism of kin selection. Recent studies have shown that the egg is not passive during this process. Once the sperm cells find their way past the zona pellucida, the cortical reaction occurs. Cortical granules inside the secondary oocyte fuse with the plasma membrane of the cell, causing enzymes inside these granules to be expelled by exocytosis to the zona pellucida. This in turn causes the glyco-proteins in the zona pellucida to cross-link with each other — i.e. the enzymes cause the ZP2 to hydrolyse into ZP2f — making the whole matrix hard and impermeable to sperm. This prevents fertilization of an egg by more than one sperm. The cortical reaction and acrosome reaction are both essential to ensure that only one sperm will fertilize an egg. After the sperm enters the cytoplasm of the oocyte (also called ovocyte), the cortical reaction takes place, preventing other sperm from fertilizing the same egg. The oocyte now undergoes its second meiotic division producing the haploid ovum and releasing a polar body. The sperm nucleus then fuses with the ovum, enabling fusion of their genetic material. The cell membranes of the secondary oocyte and sperm fuse. In preparation for the fusion of their genetic material both the oocyte and the sperm undergo transformations as a reaction to the fusion of cell membranes. The oocyte completes its second meiotic division. This results in a mature ovum. The nucleus of the oocyte is called a pronucleus in this process, to distinguish it from the nuclei that are the result of fertilization. The sperm's tail and mitochondria degenerate with the formation of the male pronucleus. This is why all mitochondria in humans are of maternal origin. Still, a considerable amount of RNA from the sperm is delivered to the resulting embryo and likely influences embryo development and the phenotype of the offspring. The pronuclei migrate toward the center of the oocyte, rapidly replicating their DNA as they do so to prepare the zygote for its first mitotic division. The male and female pronuclei don't fuse, although their genetic material do. Instead, their membranes dissolve, leaving no barriers between the male and female chromosomes. During this dissolution, a mitotic spindle forms between them. The spindle captures the chromosomes before they disperse in the egg cytoplasm. Upon subsequently undergoing mitosis (which includes pulling of chromatids towards centrioles in anaphase) the cell gathers genetic material from the male and female together. Thus, the first mitosis of the union of sperm and oocyte is the actual fusion of their chromosomes. Each of the two daughter cells resulting from that mitosis has one replica of each chromatid that was replicated in the previous stage. Thus, they are genetically identical."

She hit send. The reply was a lot more immediate than she expected.

"wtf fraulien did you just copy and paste the wikipedia article on pregnancy or…?"

"I'm coming after you in the morning, fop."

"please dont kill me"

"I can't guarantee anything."

* * *

_January 3, 2:00 AM, Athena Cykes' Apartment_

Athena was awake anyway, so when her phone chimed, she immediately checked it.

"I really should have told you earlier, but… it might be a good idea to get yourself tested."

Athena tilted her head at her phone. "tested? tested for what?" she texted back. "and who are you? you're not in my contacts."

"I got a new phone," the mystery texter replied, "And there's a possibility that I got you pregnant. Sorry."

Athena tilted her head at her phone in the opposite direction this time. "i didn't know heavenly hosts used text messages nowadays."

"Excuse me?"

"tu m'as bien entendu. am i the new virgin mary? is this the second coming?"

"was?"

"am i allowed to name the child anything other than jesus christ, or would i get struck by lightning?"

The mystery texter did not text back after that.

* * *

_January 3, 2:15 AM, Simon Blackquill's House_

Blackquill received two rapid texts in succession.

The first one: "Hey, Athena, I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I just can't take the uncertainty anymore. Have you taken a pregnancy test lately? I think I might have knocked you up…"

The second: "MEIN GOTT HERR BLACKQUILL I DID NOT MEAN TO SEND THAT TO YOU PLEASE DONT KILL ME"

Well, Blackquill might as well give him a chance. _A_ chance. "Gavin-dono," he texted, "that text had better be a poor attempt at a prank."

"oh believe me it was"

"You did not get Athena pregnant?"

"no i swear i did not touch her" There was a pause of many seconds. "hang on smths tapping at my window"

Blackquill smirked. It looked like Taka had arrived swiftly…

* * *

_January 3, 2:30 AM, Wright Anything Agency_

The years had not made Wright's snoring any more tolerable, and consequently Edgeworth was still more or less awake when his phone alerted him to a new text message.

"I'm pregnant. It's yours," it said.

"Congratulations," Edgeworth texted back, "but you have the wrong number. Good night."

Unfortunately, the pregnant lady texted back. "No, this is the right number. I'm sure of it."

"Who is this?"

"The mother to your baby…"

Edgeworth pinched the bridge of his nose. Perhaps Larry had left Edgeworth's phone number with some one-night stand or other…? "I'm afraid that's quite impossible," he replied, "although I would be willing to help you find the true father of your baby."

"It's you, though."

"Again, that is impossible."

There was a span of about a minute before a new text appeared on Edgeworth's phone - either the woman had paused to consider something, or she had suddenly started typing a lot slower. "Are you impotent or something?"

Edgeworth wondered if it was worth replying at this point, but did so anyway: "No. However, you still have the wrong number."

Another pause. "I've always had my suspicions about you, Herr Edgeworth…" then right after that, "oops."

"We will be having a discussion about this tomorrow morning, of course, Gavin," Edgeworth replied.

"hey i just got a new phone you cant blame me"

"I expect an experienced prosecutor to behave more maturely than this."

"also can you ask herr blackquill to call off his bird"

"Ask him yourself." Edgeworth put his phone back on the bedside table and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" Wright asked sleepily as Edgeworth's phone buzzed from a few more ignored messages.

"A certain rock star prosecutor who should be looking forward to his next salary review," Edgeworth said.

* * *

_January 3, 2:45 AM, Wright Anything Agency_

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

"Hey, Trucy, sweetie, I meant to tell you earlier… but it might be a good idea to get a pregnancy test. You know, just in case. Your dad still doesn't know, right?" … "Oops, wrong number! Who is this?"

"You had better be kidding, Gavin."

"ach howd you know it was me"

"Edgeworth told me what you were up to."

"its two in the morning, how on earth did herr edgeworth tell you what i was up to? unless…"

Oops.

"youre in the same bed as him arent you"

"That's none of your business."

"it explains a lot though. anyway haha entschuldigung for interrupting you two herr wright hahaha"

"Gavin, I swear…"

"achtung baby"

* * *

_January 3, 3:00 AM, Gavin Estate_

Apart from the hawk attack and the fact that his boss was irritated at him, Klavier was having a lot of fun with his new phone. Wasn't it great when no one knew that behind that number was the amazing rock star/prosecutor, Klavier Gavin? Of course it was.

He scrolled through the contacts list he had just transferred over from his old phone. Who else would have a hilarious reaction to being texted in the middle of the night about the prospect of giving birth? A certain name caught his eye… of course. Franziska von Karma.

He wouldn't even have to pretend to be anyone else for this one. "hey franziska i just realized something," he texted her.

It was a few minutes before she replied. "What do you want, Piano Gavin? I was trying to sleep, so it had better be important."

"of course franziska i just wanted to ask if youve had a pregnancy test lately"

"A pregnancy test."

"yes its possible that w" Klavier stopped mid-word. He just realized… in their situation, a pregnancy test might actually be a good idea.

"This had better be a joke, Piano Gavin," Franziska had texted back in the meantime.

"no im serious just check it out," Klavier texted, feeling the blood drain from his face, "i think i actually remember something going wrong last time"

Another long pause, then a reply in which Klavier counted fifty-seven separate uses of the word "fool" or a variation thereof.

"i swear i only just remembered," Klavier texted, sweating. Franziska didn't reply.

Fifteen minutes later, Klavier was beginning to think that maybe he was overreacting. The doorbell suddenly rang, and he pushed all thoughts of babies - _his_ babies - out of his mind. If someone was ringing his doorbell at a quarter after three in the morning, they were probably in trouble.

Or _he_ was in trouble, Klavier dimly reflected as his opening the door resulted in a sudden storm of whiplashes.

* * *

_January 3, 3:30 AM, Gavin Estate_

When Klavier came to, Franziska was already gone. However, there was something lying on his kitchen table that hadn't been there before.

A positive pregnancy test.


End file.
